Sunday, September 10, 2006 . 3:06 PM

Is a Blog meant to be a Personal Space...

*If you do not want to read an entry of lame rants. Please do not read the follwing entry thanks.


I contemplated real hard before deciding to blog about this. Yes. I just needed somewhere to vent my frustrations. Thus, this is the best place i felt i could let go just for a sec. And carry on in my fight to better cope with school.

Wat was the last straw before i decided to write this entry was an email from my sociology tutor. In his email, he said that he half of his classes' soci essays and found some (obviously mine included) to be too factual. Does not stand out from the crowd. Has no personal opinions involved in my personal reflection. I was disheartened. This was exactly the essay that i cracked my brains so blady hard the last week thinkin of wat i should write, re-writing over and over again til the point that i somehow felt a big regret on selecting this module. To many, this module is a HOT favourite which is supposed to intrigued your mind. To me, it is just another one of those subjects (like econs) which involves just theories after theories with readings after readings. I felt that i've already exhausted my energy on this crap. I'm getting restless in school. Have no direction, too much urgency but not knowing where to channel it appropriately anymore. What made me even more peeved was that tutor said he had finished marking abt 60 essays but only sent that email out to only 15 of us. This obviously means i'm back at the bottom again. just like how i was in Jc with econs (which stupidly enough i'm taking again this sem!). This is totally disheartening for me. Having set s certain standard for myself and feeling the pressure to perform due to my award commitments doesnt help at all.

This is not the only thing that has been troublin me. I blame myself for not picking up the habit of reading when i was younger. Now, i finally see the consequences. It takes me 2 nights to read what someone takes to read in 2 hours! It doesnt help either that being an arts student, 3 of my modules have a whole damn lot of reading to do. This just always leaves me in a state of helplessness. Everyday, it bugs me that i cannot be up to date with my readings. i even try going home to catch up (makin me feel like a no life piece of shit). Then everytime i see the clock and notice how slow it is taking me to read somthing, i get pissed off and lose my focus.

Upon thinking further abt it, i makes me feel even more pissed off that i hardly remember wat i read. If now at the beginnin i already have such problems, what say in the future when harder modules come along? Aren't i gonna just drown?

Honestly, i cannot fathom having to do another essay. The 1st 2 already killed my spirit, what is the next one going to do, ane the next, and the next, and the next, AND the next... Its never gonna end.

Worse of all, i feel like everyday i'm trying to build up my self confidence. But yet, evrytime i feel a certain amt of achievement in my life, somethin will just deflate it the next instant. It feels like a slap in the face everytime. EVERYTIME!

Then to top it all of, i did the how stupid are you test and scored a 62.
How dumb can i be right?
Ha

This is the dumbest person on earth reporting.
It feels great to finally let out some steam.
Now back to reading more sociology which i so love.
Ha