Thursday, February 03, 2005 . 8:07 PM
Whether I'm right or wrong
Things just happen.
Different many things happen to many different people all over.
Things they talk about,laugh about, cry over or simply forget.
But many of these things simply remain in their hearts, day by day the days go by, these things remain...unwritten.
Maybe people are like that.
They don't record happy things because they simply have no time to do so while savouring each and every fun moment they have.
They don't record sad things because they don't want to be reminded of their unhappy past.
They don't want to record down things they want to forget. Things that are tragic, frustrating, or saddening. What for record when you want to forget. But many a times people forget what they really want to forget; end up always remembering that they need to forget; end up in a mess, a pile of ....
Recently I was fortunate enough to watch the movie Closer (Julia Roberts, Jude Law) while on duty in camp. I thought it was the dumbest lovely show I've seen. All throughout the movie the theme revolves around love, sex and lies.
I used to be sure of what was love. I thought I was. It was that strangest nicest feeling you feel, it was that feeling that give you butterflies, it is that heavenly feeling of falling in love.
Yet I found out, love isn't that.
I look at my parents and my brother. I asked myself - do I love them? Yea sure I do. They are the loviest people I've ever met and will ever have in my life. But yet each day I go home with the biggest smile, calling them Mummy and Daddy, try to tell them about something interesting that happened the day, and then fade into my own world. A world at home that revolves around the computer.
And then I look at the computer - do I love the computer? No I don't. I hate it. It the most irritating thing I've ever experienced. Yet each minute I spend with it I I forget all my troubles. Immense myself in harmless fun. Harmless. A subjective word. The hours I spend with it I end up with nothing, I go back to the beginning where I start each and every new game, eventually ending up with nothing. Not a single love. Talk about pleasuring oneself.
I love singing. I forget my troubles in singing:
I sit and wait, does an angel contemplate my fate?
I look above, and I know I'll always be bless with love...
... And through it all he offers me protection, a lot of love and affection,
whether I'm right or wrong...
I try to make the lyrics work. I try to make them comforting.
What's more, I know it's true, He who is above all stands tall and mighty.
He who is above all gives us all His attention and love and affection.Whether we're right or we're wrong.
We who are below return the love with pathetic attempts. Well, at least for me. Pathetic attempts. Attempts to recouncil and to confess my sins and promise never to do 'it' again. Yet each time I fall, everytime I try I fall. Each fall harder than the previous one. I fall so much, so hard I become numb. Now I fall and I don't feel pain. And that's what scares me.
It's like seeing blood rushing out from a cut yet you don't feel it.
It's like loving someone yet you don't feel it.
It's like breaking apart yet you don't feel it.
How does one tell? Whether you are strong? Or just numb?
Strong in the battlefield. Heck the insults and the abuse.
Numb from the fight. No longer the energy to carry on.
I'd like to be strong. I want to be strong. Fight the good fight like the tough man.
You who are reading this - now walk along.
