Sunday, February 22, 2009 . 1:36 PM

It is difficult being a friend and a human.

Have not been on the blogospher for a while but somehow it is an outlet for one to remove pain, hurt and anguish. I dont think anyone has answers to this world. If we ever did, we would not need to have subejcts that are in constant debates on foundations, on definitions when, if you think more about it, words are simply words. No two ways around it. Why then, do we bother, to weave away around these definitons, as we constantly are in turmoil to make our definitions correct? I feel this same way now. I guess we all somehow always want to be right, to be sure that our beliefs, our thoughts, our learnt ways of the world, are the accrurate ways. We want to be sure about ourselves. We want to tell someone something we feel but in the most tactful, unhurting way. Instead, it leads us to more pain, more hurt, more anguish.

I've learnt much lessons in a short span of a week. I have figured that material wealth is so much. Yet, it still hurts having to give it up. It's not that i don't believe that God will provide in some way or other. I just am as human as anybody else. I have that burning desire that God has implaced within all of us that sometimes goes off the path. I have reconfirmed traits about myselfs that i don't like. I thought that things change as one matures. I guess that has been thrown out of the window. I understand that we should love others holistically, just as how the Lord loves us for everything we are. Yet, i wish it to be a 2-way process. I just am as human as anybody else. I make mistakes. I think i have a way around my words but sometimes it just never comes out the way it is. I want to be removed by my sins. The Lord gives me many ways in doing so, but yet i still succumb to my sins. I am fearful. I think i know solutions out, but yet solutions are starting in my face. I just am as human as anybody else. I used to be driven, needing no focus except God and my self in my studies. I thought nothing could pull me down from my direction. But, know, i am my own worst enemy. I drag myself down. I recluse. I shrink back into an empty shell. I just am as human as anybody else. The more i want to work, the more i become unproductive. Is there a way out of this vicious cycle?
I know i should not believe in superstition. Yet, i guess it is true through it all. The year will be bleak for me. It is one thing to lose material things, but to lose 2 things in my life is to lose two fundamental parts of me: friends and motivation. I am tired. I thought being human means being able to accept myself for who i am. I dont want to change myself, yet i want to change myself. i am lost and clueless. I am just going on because i am clueless but the sentiments in me wont go away. If i could type 1000 words on and on only to know that in the end i will be ok i will keep going. But, just as life is, it never seems the way.

Please don't mind my rantings. This week has not been easy for me.